smallest mega-church ever

A new year...

2008-05-14T00:51:00.000-05:00

We're starting a new year with this post. One week ago the group met up again after a summer break, new faces are coming around the circle, and Simon and Elissa are married along with Amelia and Kyle-- wow, it is going to be a good ride.

Influence

2006-04-05T23:24:00.000-05:00

Starting off I just want to acknowledge that is pretty easy for me to sit down and blog. And that it is much harder to live things that I blog about.

I was thinking today about influence, how I impact others and how others impact me. Briefly, I believe that all of us have extreme potential to influence others and honestly most of us do not enact that potential into others lives. I see this happening prominently in our culture through "greater" influences. Only those "greater" forces aren't necessarily the better forces or influences that fit us. I would relate these influential forces to positive and negative correlations. There are positive and negative correlations or relationships between some objects, but no matter if the correlation is positive or negative, there is still the presence of a correlation. Influential forces in my life seem like these correlations.

Forces are at work upon my life such as money. Totally disregarding if money is "good" or "bad", I would say most days the force or stress of money upon my life is greater than the force of God, relationships, or love. Say we pull out the golden rule: love your neighbor as yourself. Why does than not mean much to me? To give you a "soap box preview" I would argue that if more people read C.S. Lewis, specifically, in this case, "The Weight of Glory", the world would be a much better place. But let's lay it out in plain terms.

First, do I even know how I love myself? How do I interact with my thoughts, failures, and strengths? In my life, I always give myself the benefit of the doubt, I am so hard on failure-of-self that I might die early of stress, and I think if I could truly see my strengths and act upon them I would be the most amazing person in the world, but that doesn't mean I hold my strengths that highly as I don't see them most days. As you can see, I tolerate myself, but do I love myself? It has been said that we can only love others as much as week love ourselves. What if I can't love myself? How could I even start to love others?... Should I fake it? So somehow we need to see into our condition and situation enough to understand ourselves even a bit and then turn that towards others.

Second, we love others as ourselves. A good friend told me that believing in his wife is one of the biggest ways he can love her. That really made me think, who do I believe in and who do I roll my internal eyes at? My cousin Tyler has a cell phone that does not function due to user demolition. This cell phone of Tyler's and I have the largest emotional relationship I have ever had with a electronic device. His phone frustrates me so much that, if I wasn't so poor, I would go out and purchase a new phone for him. We are not talking a new plan discount here folks, we are talking a $300 phone. Anyways, because Tyler's phone is messed up he doesn't answer it sometimes, or so he says. What happens is that I don't see him for a few months and he doesn't answer his phone and he lives in Chicago. After a few calling attempts I loose faith in the phone. Then a few more unanswered calls find me loosing faith in Tyler. I do it to a lot of people. But I think I know (sometimes) why I do it. Sometimes, again not all the time but sometimes, I loose faith in people because they do not have faith in themselves and then I am threatened. I start to wonder if I have faith in myself. My self-worth hings on another persons self-worth. In short, my identity comes into question because I feel their identity is in question.

So love is the focus and force of God who is the center of the Gospel. The "golden rule" or greatest commandment is love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself. We each have this great potential to influence lives and change the world and bring the Kingdom. One of the main ways we might contribute is by running with God on the golden rule. Then we find out that we not only can love others but we can't love others because we can't even love ourselves. Moreover, if we can't love ourselves or others, can we love God well? Where do you go from here?... (comments please!)

Good Quote for the Day

2006-02-23T12:01:00.000-06:00

"When principles that run against your deepest convictions begin to win the day, then battle is your calling, and peace has become sin; you must, at the price of dearest peace, lay your convictions bare before friend and enemy, with all the fire of your faith."

Abraham Kuyper

wondering how to be a learner/teacher

2006-02-20T13:30:00.000-06:00

I was thinking more about our discussion last night and the give and take learning thing as friends. I am not sure if I am able to teach someone something and I think that is part of what is holding me back. I think I hear a lot of lies daily and I am trying to learn how to combat that more. Some of the questions that have been raised in my head are how do I think I can teach children and not my friends? What is holding me back from genuinely giving of myself to others? Why do I lie so much to others just to make it seem like I am clueless.
Much of this doesn't make sense to me but I think I am on the way to answering these questions simply by recognizing them. I wonder if anyone in our group has had a realtionship where they feel that they have had a mutual learning where they have worked through an issue together. And if not, what other questions do others have about it...hopefully we can continue thinking about this as a community.

Lament

2006-02-08T23:48:00.000-06:00

I am in a fairly dark place tonight. Of course there is not absolute you can put on anything- the more you hope the more hope stretches into your angst. Real hope, to me, seems very similar to despair. Real hope accounts for events and conditions and still says. "...something is going to happen." Despair sees that same reality but does not see anything at the end of the road. I never thought this day would come BUT I heard a Bruce Springsteen song tonight on the Grammy awards. The song doesn't remind of how I feel but I do like the chorus juxtaposition.

Devils & Dust (chorus lyrics)

I got God on my side
I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a powerful thing
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
And fill it with devils and dust

Almost One Year...

2006-02-03T09:14:00.000-06:00

We are approaching our year anniversary of Breakfast Club. It has been a roller coaster year full of more surprise, disappointment, and joy than I ever thought possible. People have come and gone-- some have left some have moved-- some have showed up in big ways. Our format has changed, the way we lead each other is always in flux, and I always look forward to who will bring the next "why didn't I think of that?!" idea. It is has also been a year of risk.

I had lunch with Jason today and laid my life out. "I am currently questioning everything," said I. But Jason expanded and saw something that I didn't. "Maybe you're in the middle of risk," he said. "...maybe there is so much potential everywhere but none of it is currently realized." Maybe there is stress in risk... maybe there is all this stuff on the "table" or "line" or (insert object of choice) but it is just sitting there on the table. Then I asked myself, how does all that potential get from the table/line/(object of choice) to beyond just possible? How does it become real? How does possibility expand to reality? How does potential drive and shape and mold the future? How do dreams I have change other people's lives tomorrow?

There are three full months until May. In "breakfast club years" that is along time... in "school years" it is not so long. However, my question is two fold. First, what will happen between now and our year anniversary? How will you run after your heart and find God? When people look at your contribution to the group what will come to their minds... maybe it won't be "good" or "bad" thoughts. Maybe they already think of you for some special reason? What is it? How often do you remind yourself of that? How often do you pray that God would affirm that?

My second question: When May arrives and we think back on the year, what is the first thing that might pop up in your mind? An engagement? A new car? A crashed computer? Thoughts of low cash flow? Standing at May 1 and looking into the past year of our group how will you have grown? How have you changed? What will you view as strong or lazy? Who will you praise for changing you life and who hurt you beyond words? Who/what gave you the inspiration to keep living and what sucked the life out of you faster than you can say... fart. (It was the best word I could think of... j/k!)

Thoughts? Feel free to respond with comments...

Risk

2006-01-13T16:51:00.000-06:00

Under what circumstances are you willing to risk? What does it take for you to let go of everything to pursue a greater joy? A larger dream? A grander desire?

I feel like I am risking a lot in my life right now and some of it always boils down to money but is everything important to me related to money? In the realm of my life, work, and dreams so many things matter deeply to my heart. Yet they matter for strange reasons. Example: it matters to me that I feel I am contributing to something. I could have a job paying $65,000/year. Perhaps the job is repetitious or something though... It seems like I am doing the same thing everyday and I am interacting with a bunch of computers and memos-- I would hate that job. And I bet many of you can relate to that feeling, however when you launch out in a venture that says "this matters" things change. Let's say "this" is equal to my value for contribution. Well if contribution matters to me, I must find a place and people that will let me contribute. In my story any place that allows me to contribute also hands over a great about of weight and responsibility. In essence they are saying "Here is a slice to contribute to and that means something to us." So the place they are giving me in the company or organization has value to other employees, owners, and organization members. Many times that becomes quite weighty. The end result is that I have taken several risks in the process of saying to myself "this matters" and then living that out.

The first risk I took was listing to my heart and desire. Second, I needed to leave the place (job/status/comfort) I was in and move to a new place where I can make my contribution. Thirdly, the contribution requires something of me. There is a point at which I decide that was is required of me is worth the risk and the joy of contribution. When I have started venturing out on these risking things life's challenges start to grow large and daunting. The pain and growth I experience through those time is amazing but even more amazing is a thought: is our whole world based on risk? Is God trying desperately to give us opportunity to lay it all down for greater things. Jesus is know quite well as he highlights two worlds in His stories and teachings. In Matthew 16:26 Jesus asks, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" We could process this many ways but my question is which path are you on?

Which path are you on? Are you gaining the whole world? No, me neither but I think the lynch pin is the idea that the opposite of risk is holding on to the world that is yours as hard as you can. Thus, letting go of the world is risking?And how does that gain your soul?

What does it mean to risk?

And what part of your world that is meaningful to you are you currently letting go of to risk?

Will you ponder with me?

Rob Bell quoting N.T Wright

2005-12-07T19:03:00.000-06:00

"Most people want to wake up in the morning with a general at the foot of their bed saying 'Go do this.' The problem is there's somebody at the foot of their bed saying, 'Once upon a time. . ."

Artical Source

Escaping a burning building.... alive!

2005-11-21T09:07:00.000-06:00

I wonder what part of our faith experience is meant to be didactic? What part of my whole life is God attempting to use to teach me? On the other hand, what portion of my heart and life is intended to be healed and made whole-- then put on display and that's it? I don't intend to sound simple or discount anything that we know about the christian life. I do mean however to pull into question the attitudes and tones the bible uses verse the tone of knowledge and attainment we (and/or Satan) put on our lives.

Since I need to get to work this morning, here is a "proof" that Jesus isn't trying to teach us that much, but rather longing to heal our hearts.

1. We ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. I do not suggest that we discount this or try to escape it but only that we see the tree as an action of OUR'S not God's. Since we chose the tree and God didn't, could that leave space for God's work in our lives to be about more than knowledge?

2. We never get let off the hook. In all Jesus' teaching that I have read/heard, there is no place where He let's people off the hook for not knowing or lack of action or silence. During my regular waking hours I knew this because God's will must be done and I can't escape His wrath or His celebration. However, today I am wonder if Jesus letting us off the hook... maybe He would say something like, "It's okay, you didn't know..." would be saying in His heart language, "It's okay, you don't have to be whole." If the goal is wholeness and not knowledge it is about healing and simple repentance. People shout this from the mountain tops all the time... the problem is we still haven't found this simple, yet profound healing and the Life Jesus speaks of. Would more knowledge help? More desire?

3. The Kingdom is pervasive. You can choose to allow the Kingdom and its values to breakthrough your life. Others can choose not to but that doesn't mean it will stop. And we all can choose quite easily to value the more visible Kingdom at any moment of any day regardless of what choice we made getting out of bed or during prayer last night. HOWEVER, is the solution of heaping shame and obsessing over deeds going to bring the Kingdom any further into our own worlds? What if there was a group of people processing and provoking the Kingdom... and through that communal domain and collective value The Kingdom was able to sneak its way further into us, our group, and our culture because two are better than one.

Keep pondering....
Simon

My Vanilla Sky

2005-11-20T12:23:00.000-06:00

Recently I have been to two consoling sessions at the UNL health center. Two people close to my life have seen signs of depression in my life and so I went to ask professional advice. Like any medical visit, there was good news and bad news. I guess in my case, since depression is not a life/death matter, the news is relative. I knew that I didn't have a full blown depression if for no other reason than I was sleeping well. The consoler confirmed this and labled what I have as "melancholia." Full blown depression is though of as a huge dive below the "normal" line. Melancholia is a relatively small distance from the normal line. The difficult part is that melancholia is experience as a constant for two or more years. When the consoler added the "two or more years" part of the definition things started to make sense.

Whatever is going on with me has been very active these past few years and could have started as far back as high school. As with any negative condition, there is a huge desire in my heart to head back towards normal (whatever that is? right!), however there have been other nails pounded into my life-- nails that have made it so difficult to even see the nail of depression. One of the largest nails was (as sometimes still is) the shame of wanting more. I thought I was an odd ball-- an outcast. Why do I want so much from life and God? Why does no one around me share that desire? I heard no teaching or though on desire and felt no permission to feel what I feel until June/July of 2001. In a series of discussion at Brugger's Bagels in Omaha, a dear friend exposed me to questions, conversation, and thoughts from desire-minded thinkers and authors. "What is your largest dream?" he ask. "How does that dream fit in with Genesis 3-- be fruitful and multiply, subdue the earth?"

I didn't know. What I did know is that I like the questions, even if the answers where hard, and that in some way the questions felt like I was breaking out of a box. I started to feel some freedom. My "Vanilla Sky" moment hang on a hinge pin. The hinge pin is not a moment in time or a single event, but the dichotomy and tension of huge proportions in my life.

Going into the 2001 school year God sent me my own long-haired wise man, Tim. Tim and had coffee and even traveled the world together for two years. He passed on to me his dreams of community and sought hard after those dreams. I attempted to discover how to lead and inspire people into a community space where we could learn and re-learn how Jesus calls us to live and how the early church discovered freedom. Things were going... never extremely fast, but they never seemed to stop. I saw God moving and people growing and I believe most days I had some holy hope. Yet, one August afternoon in 2003 my life started to change.

Returning from a favorite summer vacation spot I took Elissa (now my fiancee) to Iowa State University, I went on to Lincoln, Nebraska. Simultaneously my long-haired wise man moved to Montana and one of my best friends in the world and my cousin left Lincoln for school in Chicago. Two weeks later Elissa left for a three month trip to Spain. I was devastated my friends were gone and unavailable. But the worst thing about it was a growing feeling that community was non-existent in my life and that I would continue to live in a world where all tides would blow, change, grow, and contract EXCEPT for community. And no one could enter that conversation. No one in my life had a group of souls that shared a journey. No one wanted to dream with me and I felt stuck and isolated and left and ultimately alone.

Concurrently with this aloneness I got angry at many people. I thought that my anger against them and the loneliness could correlate if I wanted them too. After trying for a few years I found those to things don't correlate. Much of my anger has now been given up and washed away, Elissa is back stateside and ready to marry me, and Tyler has come back to Nebraska several time. But I still don't see myself as having community. I don't feel that God has inputed community as a world-tide and/or I believe Satan has the community idea under great control in my world. But the desire and needs continue. All around me people are hurting and hopeless. There must be a place where The Healer can come. There must be a space where community-- biblical community-- can be discovered and lived out the Glory of God. There must be a place were Freedom and Life can be something as real as it was in Jesus' John 17 prayer.

Secretly, I still think this community is still possible.

Christmas Music & Questions

2005-11-09T21:56:00.000-06:00

Matthew 1:23 (New International Version)
"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

Tonight I turned on the Christmas music for the first time this year. Normally I remember sneaking a peak of some of my favorite holiday songs in June, then September, but this year I did not. If I had to rate the Christmas music I have, first place would be easy: "Carol of the Bells" by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is a completely instrumental version with lots of acoustic guitar and full orchestra. Second place... Some bad ass version of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel". I don't know if such a "bad ass" version exists- I wanted to denote a difference between my liking for the song and my distaste for organ music!

During the fifth tune of the evening I realized something about the music had eased my mood. Coming home from work I was very restless about life, money, and myself. So much has been happening lately but the happenings have almost avoided cash flow and self understanding like they were pelages. If I am honest with myself I believe so strongly that God is working and moving. You see him freeing your world little by little and bringing healing to broken things. The "to fix" barrel always seems to be full though. From my vantage point there are always many more things to heal or find or fix than are healthy, found, or whole. To my ears, Christmas music affirms this.

If you listen closely music remembering Christ's birth also remembers a longing for the savior. There was something of a great chasm between old testament and new testament activity. That is a quick way of saying take the feeling you have when God doesn't answer for a day, month, week, or year, multiply that by 2,000 or so, and you will find how restless God's people were having sat in silence for many generations. I believe that the longing was not met with Jesus to be quenched but rather fueled. If you think about that belief biblically or in terms of what you know from sermons it is right on. However, if you think about the sheer lunacy of egging on desire past the point of what it was when Jesus entered the world... Did God really want to do that?

I believe Mel Gibson's "The Passion" depicted something very interesting. Numberous time during the movie Chiaphas the chief priest is encountered. Each time he is mean and manipulative, just like everyone always portrays him. However, at the cross I saw in his eyes, fits, and decaying teeth bitterness, something I never directly associated with his character before. What if bitterness drove the hate of countless public encounters, closed door death plots, and a long night of trials that ended in Jesus' death? Bitterness that God was not coming-- He was not going to show up. That is a valid feeling after 2,000ish years of silence from The Creator. And what if bitterness, a practical type of distance from God, was that real to you... would Jesus showing up cold turkey for three years change your mind about God? Who Jesus change your mind about what happened to your Father? Or your Father's Father? Or your distant family who heard from God daily and then one day He stopped talking?

What I am trying to poke at is my (and our) desire. What if Jesus didn't hit a reset button when He was born and we are still in the middle of a holy longing to see His Kingdom come? What if Jesus' death, life, and ascension changed everything but ended nothing? What if we are still called to search, seek, travel, hunt, and pursue something that is lost in the haystack of this world? What if the Kingdom is still on the narrow path?

Anyways, these are questions I am asking. What questions are you currently asking of God?

Community Blockade Part 1: Enemies

2005-10-18T23:46:00.000-05:00

What if there was more? There is always more, it is the very nature of our world, yet is our faith one that leaves room and space for more of Jesus? Is our community one that leaves room for what could be "... the difference between winning and loosing, between living and dying"? I believe the cumulative needs of everyone that I know well in Lincoln boils down to being known well enough that good friends could walk down a healing path with us. And what if God is for us in this way? What if His plan (John 17) is that we might be one as Jesus and the Father are one? What if that desire of Gods is being blocked and opposed by an evil spiritual force? What if something we need is not getting to us and we are not able to receive it? Does that mean it is our fault? Have we done something wrong? What more is needed? What would we do to free God's desire for oneness in our communities and in our lives? First, we need to be honest and open about the enemies and the affect of those enemies on our lives. Second, we must align ourselves under Jesus' authority and under a common Way. Thirdly, we must resist in common, strong, sustainable ways with actions that can be shared and discussed with other allies who are moving with us in battle.

First up is the enemies. The major enemy I see right now is distance. Distance between younger and older, likes and dislikes, wounds and healing, dreams and reality, desire and actions, and past and present. There are older people who have put in their time living alone. When it comes time to opening up and walking towards healing the portable blocks-o-intimacy come out like those caution tent you use when moping a floor. Young people have also lived alone but mainly because they cannot see a path towards common day-in-day-out life. Older people can see the path, younger people have the ability to move freely into common relational spaces- they disregard the "cation wet floor" signs. We need each other. Everyone has also come to like things a certain way. Some people like church "this" way and some people like it "that" way. The only problem is a similarity: we like what we like because it works for us, not because it is the best way. The people that have strong likings understand how important it is to be united, while people having dislikes understand the great need for flexibility. We need each other. The sick are always looking for a doctor but many times doctors are hard to find and inaccessible in the physical world. It would seem that the address or location or existence or something of the Church's Physician has been stolen from people who greatly need this portion God's work. Also, it seems that the consolers have been hidden, discredited, and disavowed in "evangelical" faith. But then there are those that are free from Christian cultures shallow waters. These people have gone through life experiences so complex and deep that God has been allowed to come and heal broken places restoring what was lost. The wounded person understands and remembers moment by moment how important healing is. The souls that are becoming whole hold hope that healing is possible. We need each other. Many dreams are fading.

Some of us can dream in great color and detail. We can see so far into the future that the present seems to serve the future and exist solely for the future's possibility. Other people see close to today. They might gaze a few days or a week down the road and what they see is the current road blocks that, if we don't get past, will crush any future dreaming. The "present livers" keep the dreamers from tripping on small things right in front of them. We can't make this journey alone. And I fear that we all desire and dream of community with such zeal that any hint of a group who is interested in community will be enough to stop our search for community and settle down.

What if we are not any happier now than before we entered our current situation? What if we are letting people off the hook in exchange for a chance at living part of a dream? What if Father has something more for us and if we stop asking and searching now we might never have these same opportunities with these same dear people ever again?

Question of the Day #4509

2005-10-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

Words to a song by Derek Webb:

but i don’t want medication
just give me liberation
even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath
don’t give me medication
i want the real sensation
even when living feels just like death to me

Question: I don't want to medicate my pain and feed it with addiction to sympathy and such. However, how does God heal and how can I give him permission to heal my heart deeply?

Stength, Identity, Peanut M&M's

2005-10-02T20:04:00.000-05:00

This last week has been pretty hard on me. The world seems to be moving at 100 miles per hour while I am slugging along at 10ish. I feel out of wack and out of sync with my friends and the world around me. Maybe it is like culture shock... but shock unlike I have ever experienced before.

Out of this series of minor panics I believe what I need, what I am looking for, is healing from Father. Healing is one of those things promised by Jesus, seen in scripture, but not seen to much (or at least sought out) in our day. I believe that God is able to heal broken places in me and restore me not to how I was last week, maybe not even to a sense of equalibrium, but to who I was created to be. Yet the lies come from all around. Moreover, lies or no lies, if I have never really experienced this healing I speak of how do I know what I have to do and what God will do? What is my part and what is His? How do I move toward the Trinity confident of healing and not attempt to take control of my life 5 million times along the way? If feel like when we get into places with God that we don't understand we revert to do's and don'ts. Maybe we don't even like them and maybe we don't speak about actions and non-actions intentionally but we do boil things down a lot.

I feel boiled down this week. I feel that what someone sees in me is boiled to down to fixable and deal-with-able. I don't really want to be fix, but more than that I want someone who would speak into my life to keep speaking. I also feel like I have had a bomb dropped on me. I feel that on the ocasion I drop bombs on people the pull away from me or they need some space. I need some space but it seems like people have been so far away since my bomb hit me that there has been little chance for recovery...

This post, as you might have guessed, is not thought out or practiced or really intended to any specific purpose but honesty. I hope we can all continue to share our hearts- even through creative means like writing. I want to feel the weight of your lives because I feel it helps me live better.

peace,
Simon

The Space Between

2005-09-26T08:37:00.000-05:00

Trust. It seems to be an essence or a feature that is built deep into each of us. There are some people you trust and some you don't. However, what I am coming to realize is that there are some people you trust especially and others that don't lack anything but relational experience with one's self. Does that mean that I have more trust for everyone I have known for awhile? No, I guess trust is more complicated than that.

Yesterday I was asked to trust someone- which incidentally I would say that I do trust the person. They were referring to a very deep level of trust that they wanted from me and honestly, now that I think about it, I find I am not willing to give out that trust. When I thought about why my mind skipped back to a conversation I had with Elissa 6 months ago (I think 6 months is about right). I told her that I didn't think she trusted me. Trust ended up being something we needed to see and put initiative into. My thought yesterday was that if this person wanted my deeper trust they might have to do somethings to build trust. But is that too much to ask?

Is it too much to ask that one would move towards me so that I would have more experience to trust them on? To this end I went back to Elissa. Last night I asked her if she trusts me more now than six months ago or if she just tried to act like she did. Then I wondered, if she trusts me more, did I do things that helped her trust me more or was she on her own. Evidently she does trust me at a greater level and I did help her to draw towards that. All this said, I want trust to be a value in our group.

Trust has been valued at different levels in other groups I've been in. However, the least safe situations have been when group membership is constantly open with no thought and no hope for people who want more. Because our current group is like any other group I have ever been in and because it is so special to me-- well, I am hoping for trust to be a high value. What does that look like?

The simplest word picture I can think of for trust is people leaning into a circle. Many times as we've met I feel people have leaned into our group with their interest and care as if something is in the middle of the circle. While I don't want to say it is Jesus in the center, it is. Follow me here, I am not trying to speech in familiar terms. In my mind walking with Christ is the pinnacle of our faith. As Jesus beside us is the pinnacle of our personal journeys, Jesus as a center seems to be the largest combining factor any group could have.

To be continued...

Peas and Carrots

2005-09-12T09:19:00.000-05:00

My friend in Omaha is doing a new church thing. They have a Latin name and money and a denomination. Currently they have a budget to buy video projectors, sound boards, and such. The focus of the project is to do missional community in Omaha which, by the way, Omaha is in great need of something like this. In my eyes Omaha is a black whole because everyone get swallowed into the suburbs- how boring is that? Anywho, we are a pretty small movement here in Lincoln, Nebraska. We have nine "regulars" and our sister group has four. Thirteen people total who think they can change the world but they also have no clue what the hell they are doing. This past weekend a few things tipped me off and somehow I saw God through them. For me these little events are the pinnacles of my existence and I would like to share a few with you.

"The Music, The Moment..."
Friday night I went to the Bob Schnider concert with some people. Dave Ellerbee tipped me off that Bob was coming to Knickerbockers. Usually I have a hard time following the crowd I went to the concert with-- it is hard for me to blend in and I feel out of place. However, Dave bought my ticket for me and almost invited me to this concert. It was huge encouragement and challenge to me. Encouragement because I felt included and wanted. It was challenging because I get very self conscious around-- I don't know exactly who but the bar band atmospher is defiantly not my natural habitat. I think the night pulled me a little further out of my shell.

"Go Big Red"
Saturday night Ryan came to watch the game at Jason's with us. The big part for me was Ryan has season tickets to the Husker home games. Saturday he just left his ticket unused because he wanted to chill with us. For me, people can make new churches, buy equipment, and be official but they do not have people giving up football tickets to hang out with the group; we do and it is just amazing to me!

"Give it away"
I believe we all have an identity. Whoever we believe we are, there is some part of us that is unique-- I call it your essence. People demand this essence from you. They seek power and they want you to lay down and give up that essence so they can feel power over you. From my window, Elissa's identity is being demanded from her by her parents. Her mother is very controlling. But don't worry, everything is okay. Not only did she not give it to them this weekend, but she decided she wanted to keep it long term. Things are pretty hard currently with wedding stuff and all, but I believe that years down the road she is teaching her parents how to love better. I can see the freedom hovering in the distance and I think Elissa is going to help them reach that freedom.

Girls and guys we have some cool ass shit going on here! I am so excited!! Thanks for being my friends, coming into my life, and sticking with us on this journey. I think your life will change because of it!

Spirit of Stress

2005-08-26T10:36:00.000-05:00

What if stress is a spirit? I walked around for so many years thinking I controlled my stress. I thought that I was a bad person because I got stressed out. When I thought about my stress, if I was honest with myself, I would remember events that hurt me throughout the day or week which triggered a reaction of stress inside me.

Last week I was driving away from a church in Omaha. My dad works there but I went to have coffee with another staff member... I walked into this office area at the church and as I did I started to feel the stress come on me. We left for starbucks and so I didn't think a lot more of it until driving away from the church later. I was on I-680 driving towards my parents pad in Millard when suddenly my mind started racing with all the things I had to get done that day. The list went on and on of everything that was piling up back at the office in Lincoln.

Now all this seems completely normal to me and probably seems fairly normal to you all. We go through our day and try to do something good like skip class to be with a friend or go clean up pee off Stiggie's bathroom floor (just kidding). Here was my problem or my biggest enlightenment into the situation: NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, had to get done by the end of the day. Kerry was not waiting for me in Lincoln to finish some project and I did a lot of work last week. This was the first time I ever had any ease separating the voice, or what I am calling the spirit of stress, from what is reality.

Does a spirit of stress plague your life? I say this not because you would be a bad person if the spirit plagued your life... So last night I was at Hill elementary doing School Day Video stuff. While I was there I saw a lot of kids with their parents-- some were crazy some were clam. At one point during the night there were two kids about 10 feet away from me that had no parent with them. The older brother was about 9 and the younger was around 5. The little kid was getting kinda beat up by his old brother. Would you go over to the little 5 year old and say, "Are you ready to be nicer and less annoying if you big brother stops beating you up?" No, because there is no doubt in my mind that the little kid will at least have a much better experience being his little annoying self if his older bro gives him some breathing room.

I want to give you some breathing room. Moreover, I think Jesus wants to give you some breathing room. These spirits that plague our lives were not given license to do so just space. We probably gave them the space or gave up the ground because we weren't fighting. And we don't start fighting for you today because you messed up, we start fighting today because regardless of what ground you gave up Jesus has given us power to tack back what was lost. He gave us His authority over the powers of darkness. Not to get us through life more quickly or easily, but to give us space to be ourselves. Then, when we have space to be ourselves, the Holy Spirit can work to change us more fluidly and naturally.

If you feel something on you this week can we pray for you Sunday? Maybe we can give you a little space to be yourself...

peace,
Simon

What Security Can Buy

2005-08-13T19:46:00.000-05:00

Brennan Manning’s book “The Importance of Being Foolish” has lead to thought about my need of security and how that affects my trust. The general thought of Manning is that security is one of the enemies or a roadblock to experiencing God. Yet, I have heard no real practical ideas (until today) of how to push security away without destroying not only my lifestyle but also my identity. I could live among the poor, but if I really feel I am called to create media that leads people towards God where does throwing the dream away leave me? So now, after my idealistic encouragement, I will let you in on how I believe my story fell out of trust and into an overwhelming need for security.

Deep within me there is an underlying inability to trust. This “trustlessness” has been intensely experienced by three people in my life and acutely experienced by (possibly) everyone I have known. This trustlessness calls me to move away from people and those that would show me love in exchanged of a surety that no one will ever be able to love me. The surety develops into security when that voice and the voice’s lie are confirmed. People get close enough to know me, I move away, and I don’t feel their love. Then I remember after the fact and recognize that I am not being loved. Thus the surety that no one will ever love me is confirmed and I move into the domain of un-love as a secure place. A place where I might be free of the pain of un-love with other people, voices, and things that, like me, do not share love (or believe they do not share love). Yet, as I begin to feel this inability to trust I am reminded that my nature did not always pull toward the security of un-love. I did not always hide in trustlessness.

The security of trustlessness is an agreement I made. I look through my life and I can see all the ways in which I have refused and moved away from trust to cope with the pain and resentment of being left to the domain of un-love. I have agreed that something core in my identity is not loveable, something not wanted. Yet, have I really been left? No, of course not-- at least not by God. To move towards freedom and understand God’s love for me though I must be freed to also admit that others have left me and, at some point, pushed me into trustlessness. Identifying those movements and remembering the occasion on which they happened is the road to healing and identifying the wound. The wound is the event by which the agreement took root. The wound happened when an event gave space for doubt in God’s limitless love and replaced it with a voice of evil, in this case: you cannot trust him or her. Moving into the wound also reveals the enemy in more depth.

If am deeply honest with myself I come to find that the person or people that seemingly caused my wound did not in fact cause the wound. Instead the father of lies infected me (and quite possibly the other person as well) with lies about our identities, our strengths, and our sins. Also, if am deeply, deeply honest with myself I will find that these major areas of woundedness— the areas that I am most under attack are areas that were designed by God to be most glorious and weighty. Trust, for instance, is not only an admirable strength in daily life but also a quality of God held very highly in the Bible. Trust is brothers with truth and conquers fear and doubt as well as creating space for love. Trust doesn’t need a definition—it is a good thing.

It is my hope that my life will look different as I move away from security and towards trust. For some reason one of the first desires that rose in my heart was to accept myself. Trust accepts, I know Jesus accepts me, and I know others accept me. In Manning’s words, how do I find the right to not accept myself? The next freedom I am slower and find more shame stepping into is compassion.

For me there is shame stepping into a freedom of compassion because I carry with me many memories of not being companionate. There is also a link between compassion and action. I am not sure if that is a natural or a needed link. However, I find myself in many places where I long to feel compassion but I don’t have the strength or resources to act on it. Shame has used those situations to create another agreement: you can never be compassionate because you don’t have the strength to be so. Yet the truth is I am compassionate. Manning gives his definition of compassion in his book that leads me even closer in desiring a life of deep compassion. The definition also brings into question what kind of action compassion calls us to and casts more light on the lies of shame in my life. “To be compassionate,” Manning says, “is to understand the conflicts other people have created in themselves without getting caught up in their poignant drama; you realize your compassion will be most effective if you stay centered in loving acceptance.”

I always thought that my compassion would be less if I didn’t take on the drama. I wonder what new freedom there is with the truth that I can be compassionate and am compassionate? Moreover, I now know that moving towards people the way my hearts desires will make more of an impact and show more love than popular assumptions of the act.

Head Above Water...

2005-06-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

What allows you to keep your head above water? On any given day what keeps you in the game, going that next step, and around what is important in your life? It seems that it is something different for everyone. However, I would like to suggest one similarity. We all do some part of our days because... well... what if we didn't do "x"? Or what if "y" went unaccomplished? ...And we look at school as a standard, something that has to get done... or what? I want to know what our world would be like if we lived out our days because we wanted to, because we desired to impact and love others, and because our strength left absent for too long would cause enormous voids in the lives of people around us.

Why to do you get up in the morning? Why would you want to get up in the morning? How do you plan on forcing yourself to live your life past this week?

What if you could desire your way through life and what if it takes a step on your part to make that happen? What would that step be?